WILL YOUR SPOUSE CHANGE 2?

Last time I highlighted the fact that many me over time change their habits, tastes and like and tried to explain that this kind of change is a natural consequence of maturity as least from the male point of view.

Having said that let us now examine whether woman change over time. As a man I am sure that obvious answer is a resounding YES. All you need to do is look at your wedding picture again and you will notice the obvious change. I am sure sure your wife is at least twice the size she was when you married her?

But it is not really from the point of view of physical change one is approaching this issue. What is of paramount interest to me in addressing a topic such as this is whether the woman's habits change over time.

I am wont to say that irrespective of what physical changes women pass through unlike the men their habits tend to remain fixated over time. Women have a propensity to be more predictable and stable over the years. I have discovered that my wife's taste and likes are very much the same after more than 25 years of marriage.

The crux of the matter is that while the man tend to alter much of his taste, the woman tends to remain fixed in hers and unless there is understanding between them this kind of inadvertent experience can pose a problem if not handled with maturity.

Many couples start their relationships having very many things in common but over time if you agree with my postulation, you discover that they tend to drift apart in their preferences and then tension sets in and before you know it there can be conflicts.

What I always advocate is dialogue. Couples must agree to always discuss their fears and anxieties with each other and bring to the front burner anything that is capable of fueling conflict in the home.

Dialogue is the key to successful conflict resolution. Anything that is swept under the carpet will turn around to haunt the marriage in future.

God bless you.

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WILL YOUR SPOUSE CHANGE?

A woman was complaining to her friend one day saying " I no longer understand my husband, he has changed. In fact this is not the same man that I married".

This is one of the problems that many homes go through where the expectations are unrealistic and unreasonable. To expect that your spouse will not change is to be naive. Change in life is a constant and a good look in the mirror will confirm that whether you like it or not change is inevitable.

Let me speak first of all from the man's point of view. I have observed over the years that there are certain areas in a man's life where changes may occur. Sometime such changes are so drastic that it begins to look like a metamorphosis. Here are some typical examples.

1. Change in Life style:
When men are younger, they tend to be more conscious of their looks and dressing  but this tendency seems to wane as they mature. As men grow older they tend to care less about their looks.

2. Change in taste:
Most men tend to change their taste over time and what was once very attractive to them may no longer appeal to them over time.

3. Change in temperament:
Moods and temperaments tend to change with age. Usually the older the man, the more patient he is likely to become. I have seem cases of men who were once very volatile in their youth becoming almost docile in their matured years. Having said this the reverse may be the case where someone was once quiet and docile becoming aggressive and hostile in later years.

The import of this discuss is that as a woman do not assume that your husband will remain the same man you married over the years. He will definitely change in more than one ways and you should be prepared to accommodate these changes  or else you will become frustrated.

The reason why men change over the years is something for another day but suffice it to say that there are bound to be changes.

So what do you do to cope with this inevitable reality?
1. Do not think you spouse is incapable of changing - he will over time
2. When you begin to notice changes in his behavior or taste,  take time to find out why? It may just be a reaction to something you are doing or fail to do!
3. You must also be willing to accommodate (ignore) any change that will not drastically affect your relationship.
4. Be ready to change to align with whatever direction your spouse is changing towards. Your spouse may suddenly begin to develop a likeness for say football; do not be a clog in the realization of his new fancy, you too can adjust to accommodate this new trend.

I have also discovered that as men grow older their taste in women changes. While at one time they were attracted to the opposite sex by a particular feature, over time because of a number of factors too numerous to discuss here, such taste may change sometimes very drastically.

That is why as a woman you must be on top of what your husband like per time. Do not assume that the man you married 10, 20, 30 years ago is still the same.

He is not the same! At least I can speak for myself and a few men I know.

God bless you.

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PLANNING FOR YOUR KIDS 7 – DISCIPLINING CHILDREN

“He that spareth his rod hateth his son; but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes” Proverbs 13:24 Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.” Proverbs 22:15

When growing up in the 60s and 70s, discipline was at its optimum; in fact if you were disciplined in school and your parents got to know, you will be punished at home for bringing shame to the family. Unfortunately, starting from the 80 and 90 occasioned by watering down of societal values, the issue of discipline of children has taken the back stage.

There was the classic example of my personal experience as a teacher in Benin. In 1988, I was teaching Integrated Science in Adolo College, Benin City, Nigeria and was the class teacher of one of the JSS 2 classes. There was this particular boy who was disciplined in school for a particular offense and the boy went home and lied to his mother. The woman without asking questions came to the school threatening brimstone and fire and created such an embarrassing scene that when she later discovered that the son had lied to her, she left the school in shame. She was annoyed that a teacher had the audacity to cane her son in school only to discover that the boy deserved to have been punished for what he did. 

Growing up our parents never spared the rod and it baffles me that our generation has resulted to pampering our own children. The issue of corporal punishment though contentious must be understood in context of the fact that a child who is never punished for an offense ends up becoming uncontrollable and decadent.

As a Christian father and teacher, I advocate that the rod must be present in every home as a symbol of discipline. The frequency of use of the rod however is another matter entirely but its absence is what I completely kick against. Every home must have a cane (rod) of correction.

Another anomaly I see is that discipline is left in the hands of one of the parents. I have heard some mothers tell their husbands not to beat their children creating the impression in the minds of the children that the man is a monster who is only being wicked in the exercise of his duty as the father of the home.

For every home that will bring up children that will not end up bringing disgrace to the family, discipline must be a joint responsible. Even if you do not agree with the method being employed by your spouse never oppose him or her in the presence of the children or else you will end up causing division in the home. The best thing to do is to look away at that moment and then privately rebuke or correct your spouse. The children must see the two of you in agreement over everything including their discipline.

The man has the primary responsibility to discipline his children and I advise mother to always allow the man play that role. If your children misbehave in the absence of their father, it is good advice to say to them things like “When your father comes, he will discipline you” and the man must live up to this responsibility when he comes.

Remember you are responsible for how your children will turn out whether for good or bad!

God bless you

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PLANNING FOR YOUR KIDS 6

When we were growing up our parents literally decided what we should read in school. You were either to be a Doctor, Engineer or a Lawyer. Anything short of that was considered a mistake or an inferior career. In India I am told that when children are born they are identified from birth by what they will become usually either an Engineer or a Doctor.

The issue before us today is whether in planning for your children it is expedient to determine before hand what you want them to become? While I will not go the route of saying either yes or now, I want to tow certain examples from the Bible.

" And there was a certain man of Zorah, of the family of the Danites, whose name [was] Manoah; and his wife [was] barren, and bare not. And the angel of the LORD appeared unto the woman, and said unto her, Behold now, thou [art] barren, and bearest not: but thou shalt conceive, and bear a son. Now therefore beware, I pray thee, and drink not wine nor strong drink, and eat not any unclean [thing]: For, lo, thou shalt conceive, and bear a son; and no razor shall come on his head: for the child shall be a Nazarite unto God from the womb: and he shall begin to deliver Israel out of the hand of the Philistines." Judges 13:2-5 (KJV)

This was the encounter between the mother of Samson and the angel before he was born. God had decided even before Samson came into the world what his assignment would be. Therefore, his mother was given specific directives concerning his life.

How much less stress will parents encounter if only they know the specific assignment of their children on earth. What I am canvassing is that it is possible to decide before hand what your child will become by asking God to reveal the destiny of your children to you.

"The secret [things belong] unto the LORD our God: but those [things which are] revealed [belong] unto us and to our children for ever, that [we] may do all the words of this law." Deuteronomy 29:29 (KJV)

You will do yourself a world of good if you start asking God even before your kids are born what their assignment will be here on earth. When God reveals his intentions for them to you it makes it a lot easier to guide them with confidence that they will fulfill God's madate on earth.

Remember that children are a gift from the Lord, He has a supreme claim on them and we as parents are just custodians, therefore it is God's will that should be uppermost when considering the future of our kids.

Take time to pray about the future of your children for the next two weeks and let God speak to you. He surely will if you only ask him.

Be blessed.

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PLANNING FOR KIDS 5

"But don't begin until you count the cost. For who will begin construction of a building without first calculating the cost to see if there is enough money to finish it? Otherwise, you might complete only the foundation before running out of money, and then everyone would laugh at you. They would say, "There's the person who started that building and couldn't finish it." Luke 14: 28-30

In our discussions on this very important issue I have tried to advocate that laying a solid, workable plan for your kids BEFORE they are born is of prime importance and a strategic move. However I will like to address those of us who did not have the privilege of this kind of information and we have kids we did not strategically plan for. Notice I used the word strategically deliberately because many of us planned the number of kids to have and that was just it. No financial projections whatsoever.

So if you are like me who has 5 kids what do you do?

The first thing is to seat down and take stocks. You need to determine with your spouse you total family income from all sources including expected receivables. Once that is done you want to look at what your anticipated expenditure will be say if you were to put your kids in private schools as against public schools.

May I say this, much as one will desire to send his kids to private schools, unless your income is such that will be able to meet this responsibility it will be a better option to send them to good public institutions. There a few good public institutions and if you ask the right people you will find one that will not break your bank account.

Know that it is not only sending them to school that is prime importance, feeding and clothing them as well as giving them a roof over their heads is also crucial to their well being and optimal growth and devlopment.

Another thing you may need to seriously consider are alternatives! What do I mean? You do not need to always buy the very best or the most expensive things for your kids. there are always less expensive alternatives that you can afford. It does not make sense to try to be like the "Joneses" and ending up in debt.

I have heard parents say that they do not want their children to feel inferior to their mates and so they go over themselves to give them things they can ill afford. This attitude is counterproductive because whether you believe or not your children know what you can afford and what you cannot afford. Have they not heard you and your spouse quarrel over money in the past?

Another drawback to this attitude is that you are teaching your children to live beyond their means and this is the greatest challenge of the Nigerian middle class. The Middle class is not very poor but not so rich either. The dilemma of this class of people is that they want their children to compete children of the rich and they constantly stretch themselves to meet up with this demand.

This leads to many problems including a rising debt profile and high blood pressure.

It really does not matter if your kids go to a public school; what matter is for you to inculcate the attitude of hard work and scholarship in them. You may want to provide them with extra tutorials (lessons) to augment what they are taught in school.

Believe it or not the public schools still have the best teachers.

God bless you

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PLANNING FOR YOUR KIDS 4

“A good man leaves an inheritance for his children’s children…” Proverbs 13:22a

Folks last time I advocated saving up for your children before they are born as an important strategy for planning for them and today I will like take this discussion a notch further by advocating that savings should not be an end in itself but a means to an end.

What do I mean by this statement? I mean that savings alone may not give your children the required leverage they need to get ahead of their peers and fulfill their full potentials.

What will give them that edge is INVESTMENT.

There a couple of ways this can be done but the simplest and perhaps the most reliable way is to invest in stocks for your children. 

I remember in my post graduate program in 1988 (27 years ago), I was privileged to analyze Okomu Oil Stock in none of our term papers. At that time the stock price for Okomu Oil was 38K per share. Today the same stock sells for an average of N39.00 per share a capital gain of over 10,000%. 

Let’s do a bit of arithmetic here! Consider that at that time I bought 10,000 shares of Okomu Oil at 38k per share, I would have paid N3,800.00 for the shares. Let us assume that there were no bonus shares (which is unlikely) b y today the 10,000 shares will be worth N390,000.00.

Therefore in planning for your kids’ future, investment is a key factor to consider. You may wish to buy shares for each of them and hold them not necessary for capital gains but as a security or if you like a collateral for their future.

I will like to recommend that you seek professional advice in this regard or find books that will explain how this can be done. I can recommend a book written by my mentor and spiritual father, Dr. James Iruobe titled the way of the Rich as a good way to get started. For a copy of this book, please send a mail to femoreza@yahoo.co.uk to book your copy.

God bless you.

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PLANNING FOR KIDS 3

"And the Lord said to her: Two nations are in your womb, Two peoples shall be separated from your body; One people shall be stronger than the other and the older shall serve the younger" Genesis 25:23

"But did he not make them one, having a remnant of the spirit? And why one? he seeks godly offspring. Therefore take heed to your spirit and let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth" Malachi 2:15
 
I want to assume that if you are reading this piece, you must have read the previous two articles preceding this to enable you flow with what we have been considering. I can also assume that you are taking this matter seriously enough to want to do something about it.

If you are with me on this journey then we have reached the stage of putting our thoughts into concrete action.
What then should be the first step to take if you have agreed with your spouse all things considered to have 3 kids? My answer to this is as follows:-

Open a saving account for each of them - This may sound funny because the children have not arrived and we may not even have a name for them yet. Well it does not matter whether they have a name or not, you can open 3 accounts in proxy for them. Just make sure you save a percentage of your monthly income for them.

Lets do a simple arithmetic. Let us say you live in Lagos Nigeria and earn N100,000 per month and say you have agreed with your spouse to have three children. If you are willing to space them out at the rate of 1 child every three years; that is to say the space between their births will be minimum of 3 years, then I will like to propose a plan like this:-


1. Devote 20% of your monthly income as savings in their account. This will amount to N20,000 per month.
2. Distribute the N20,000 as follows:
   (a) Senior child - N10,000.00 per month
  (b) Next child - N6,000.00 per month
   (c) Last child _ N4,000.00 per month
3. Now if you follow my logic of waiting at least  years after marriage before having kids, then you would have saved at least for 24 months before the first child is born.
4. Therefore at the end of 4 months what will be available in the three accounts will be
   (Senior child) N240,000.00
   (Next Child) N144,000.00
   (Last Child) N96,000.00
5. To be more precise what will be available to you when they are born will be
   (Senior child) N240,000
   (Next Child)N360,000
   (Last child) N384,000

 These estimates are based on the assumption that you need to start spending money on them as soon as they are born, but if you want to save money purely for their education and considering the fact that the average child today starts school at 3 years then our calculation should be
  (Senior Child) N600,000
  (Next Child) N576,000
  (Last child) N528,000

More next time

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