THE FLIP SIDE - SECRETS IN MARRIAGE

While I am an advocate for transparency in marriage because this is what I practice in my own home, I will be naive to assume that this will work for all couples.

There are some people who just cannot take the fact that their spouse cheated on them and may become violent in handling such news.

The younger sister told me the story of a man who was the first boyfriend his wife ever had. He was the first person to ever have sex with her and so he would always boast that no other man on earth had ever had carnal knowledge of his wife. This confidence made the man believe that irrespective of whatever he did the girl would never leave him for another man. So he started to have other affairs even to the knowledge of the girl. Unknown to him, when he traveled out of his location for a while the girl met another man who had a brief affair with her and went to bed with her. When he came back, they continued and eventually got married because the affair the girl had was a fling.

Over time they both became Christians but the husband was in the habit of always boasting that he was the only one that has ever slept with her. This confession began to have an effect on her and her conscience began to prick her because what the husband was always boasting about was a lie and anytime he made the statement she felt the weight of guilt.

So one day she decided to tell him the truth that when he traveled out of town for a lengthy period she had a brief affair with someone else and that he is not the only man that has ever slept with her. This confession blew a fuse which almost led to the total collapse of their marriage but for the intervention of their Pastor who felt the girl did the right thing.

While recognizing the fact that I may not have all the answers, I strongly believe that the balance to this issue of secrets in a marriage starts from day one. Knowing that we all have different temperaments, it is important to seat down and agree on certain things before you start this journey together. It is important to agree on how the two of you will resolve conflicts; it is at this stage that your resolve all secrets by being transparent. (I strongly recommend you read the Book 4 Things Intending Couples Must Agree on Before Marriage by Dr. James Iruobe.)

If at this stage your spouse decides to back out of the marriage you have not lost anything and my take is that the person does not deserve someone like you.

If you are already marriage and in this dilemma, I counsel that you see your Pastor who will be able to handle the issue with spirituality and tact.

Finally, I recognize that some people by their nature or experience are secretive and when one is married to such a person just make up your mind that there are things you are likely to find out latter about your spouse. It is even worse when you marry someone that does not take anything serious and is likely to downplay the implications of not revealing things to you from the onset.

The "secret" is to know and understand your spouse and be willing to forgive if eventually things that you never knew about him comes to light. After all we all have out little secrets which we pray never comes to limelight.

God bless you.

Femiimevbore@gmail.com
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www.lifebuilder.ecwid.com

www.elshaddaicovenantchurch.org

KEEPING SECRETS

Last time I tried to establish the argument for transparency and honesty and I believe I may have stirred the honest nest in the minds of traditionalists who believe their wives do not need to know everything. After all what you do not know will not hurt you they claim.

Let us for a moment argue some of the demerits of being open to your wife. There is the story of a man who had an affair with a colleague in the office and as a good Christian ought to do confessed to his wife and sought forgiveness. What happened was that he had worked rather late that day and found that he was alone in this big office with an unmarried female staff who also had to work late. They got talking and one thing led to another and before you could stay Jack Robinson, they found themselves on the floor of the office. The man was so guilty of what he inadvertently did that he immediately confided in his wife.
Unfortunately for him the wife was so distraught by his act of infidelity and for many months could not bring herself to forgive him. At the end of it the man regretted confiding in his wife.

Now you may be tempted on the surface to say the man should have kept his mouth shut and secretly repented but we forget that there is always a third party to every act of infidelity - the other woman or man.

What you may call a mistake may be something completely different for the other person. I have know people who took a mere hug to mean something very romantic and interpreted one's honest gesture quite differently. Now if you happen to make quite an impression on the other person, you may be in for a battle in your hands.

Many times we can never envisage the outcomes of our misdeeds. I am sure if King David had known that his adulterous act with Bathsheba will bring so much untold problems for him, he would have decided that it was not worth all the trouble he went through. For those of us who may not be so conversant with all that transpired later in the life of David, it was this act of indiscretion on his part that led to his son Absalom revolting against him and sleeping with his father's concubines in public. He did his own in private, but he was to reap the shame in public.

While I am not looking at Infidelity just now, the point I am trying to make is that every act has consequences so of them completely beyond our control and therefore unless we have our spouses on the same page with us it may be difficult to face the consequences of our actions.

It was the support of Hilary Clinton that helped her Husband former President Bill Clinton, wade through the Lewinsky episode aside from the fact that he had a sugar coated tongue.

The price you pay for honesty is far less costly in the long run to the price you will have to pay when the truth finally surfaces since nothing can be hidden for ever.

More on this next time. Stay blessed.

Femiimevbore@gmail.com
www.facebook.com/officialecc?ref=hl
www.lifebuilder.ecwid.com

www.elshaddaicovenantchurch.org