FACING THE CHALLENGE OF INFIDELITY

He said to them, "Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality (fornication) and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced (for fornication) commits adultery." Matthew 19:8-9.

This write up is inspired by a question someone I know asked me recently. His wife according to him has been promiscuous and virtually shoving it in his face. So he wanted to know what to do. This prompted me to look at the above scripture again.

Before I share my views, may I say that the issue of infidelity are complex so much so that a single line approach at proferring solutions might not suffice. In my opinion every case of infidelity should be handled on a case by case basis.

In the above scripture there are certain principles that clearly stand out which I will like to reiterate. 

The first thing is that it is not the will of God for a man to divorce his wife. I do not need to belabor this statement because it is self  explanatory. God hates divorce period. 

The second principle is that divorce is as a result of the hardness of heart. What did Jesus mean by hardness of heart? I will like to suggest the following:-

1. Hardness of heart connotes a situation where someone is unwilling to bulge in the face of compelling reasons. When someone decides to have his way without regards to how it will affect others, then such a man is hard hearted.

2. Hardness of heart can also connotes an unwillingness to show mercy and compassion. This I am sure is what Jesus was referring to in the above passage. Remember the incident of the woman caught in adultery and she was brought by her accusers to Jesus. What convicted them was the fact that every one of us falls hopelessly short of any righteous standard whether that of God or men. There is no man alive who can boast that he has lived absolutely in tandem with what he knows to be good and right. So Jesus was implying here that before you judge that spouse of us put yourself under God moral x-ray and answer the question whether you too have not erred and you need mercy.

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IS LOVE INDISPENSABLE TO MARRIAGE

So far we have considered the issues of courtship and compatibility as indispensable to marriage and I have tried to canvas the fact that these two trends do not guarantee a blissful marriage. In fact what will help your marriage to survive the storms of life goes beyond what the average person considers as key ingredients to a successful marriage.

The third common myth attached to marriage is the presumption that you must love someone to ensure that you can have a successful marriage with that person. While I do agree that love plays a vital part in having a strong and successful marriage but the truth is that marriage entails more than love.

First of all, it is not possible to marry everyone you love! I love my mother passionately but I cannot marry my mother and it is that simple. I also love my sisters but that does not make them eligible for marriage. We need to look beyond love in many cases to determine that ingredient that will help us make our marriage work. Can I by digression state emphatically that, marriage is WORK and not just work but HARD WORK.

One of the Biblical references that continually thrills me is the marriage of Isaac to Rebekah in Genesis 24:1-67. Abraham sent his trusted servant Eliezer to get a wife for his son Isaac from among his kinsmen and the story goes about how a marriage was contracted without the couple seeing each other until after the wedding has been concluded. Imagine? You may say this cannot happen in our age and time but this is one Biblical standard worth examining.

What is particularly of interest to me today is how the Bible concludes the story in verse 67

"And Isaac brought Rebekah into his mother Sarah's tent and she became his wife. He loved her deeply and she was a special comfort to him after the death of his mother."

Notice that the Bible says Isaac loved Rebekah deeply but that happened after she became his wife.It was the renowned Christian Apologist Ravi Zacharias who said love is as much a function of the will as it is of the emotions. In other words you can will to love a person if you choose to.

Is it not a popular saying that where there is a will there will be a way?

The issue here is that as long as your spouse is the will of God for you it does not really matter if you are not "head over heels" in love with him or her at the onset, just settle the issue of God's approval and the rest will fall in line. Is it not better to start off not really loving someone and then grow to love that person deeply rather than start on the high note of being madly in love at the beginning only for the love to dissipate over time. You hear people say, I no longer love him or her and because they fall out of love they want to end the relationship.

More next time. God bless you!

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COMPATIBILITY IS INDISPENSABLE TO MARRIAGE

Greetings friends! I will like to continue from where we left off last time when I tried to canvas the idea that courtship is not indispensable to marriage. In other words while I personally encourage courtship but there is nowhere in the scriptures that says courtship is necessary before marriage.

The second idea I would like us to consider is the idea of compatibility. I am sure in one or two or my previous write ups I may have touched upon this subject but today let us examine the idea further.

The notion many of us grew up with as teenagers and young people is the the person you ought to marry MUST be compatible with you. The issue of compatibility as far as my own experience is concerned was that the person has to like the things I like and possess similar tastes for fashion, food and what have you. So growing up we referred to the compatibility profile given to us by horoscope to influence our choices.

Many years down after, I make bold to say that the idea of compatibility  before marriage falls flat on its back for the following reasons:-

1. People especially men change their taste over time based on age and financial status. For example a young man just starting life may not care too much about wearing very expensive perfumes or eat in the choicest restaurants for obvious reasons - he cannot afford it simple.

2. The fact that people like the same things does not mean they are compatible. The fans of both Manchester United and Manchester City both like the game of football but they hardly see eye to eye.

3. Compatibility is a process not a destination - a means to an end. You work at it over time. My wife never used to like a particular type of African Dish which I cherish; over time she started to enjoy the meal and even cherishes it now.

My Father in the Lord Dr. James Ovbiose James once gave us a classic example of compatibility. He is from a typical Nigeria Village married to our Mother in the Lord who is from a well to do home and grew up in Lagos. So because of his background, he likes his morning pap tick and of course without sugar or milk (which we virtually unheard of in the village) but mummy likes her pap watery and embellished with sugar and milk. So when they got married they solved this seemingly inconsequential problem by mummy preparing the pap very tick, serves daddy's own first and thereafter adds water, sugar and milk to taste. This may look simplistic but I know couples who have quarreled over flimsier issues.

The point being made is that compatibility is what you are your spouse work it out to be. You can always get your spouse to like the things you like if your motives are genuine.

More next time.

Femiimevbore@gmail.com
www.facebook.com/officialecc?ref=hl
www.lifebuilder.ecwid.com 
www.elshaddaicovenantchurch.org