FINDING A LIFE PARTNER!

 Greetings friends, and I apologize for my long absence.

I will like to begin a series on choosing a life partner, focusing on some of the common misconceptions people have about issues such as love at first sight, beauty, dating and a whole lot of ideas that are inconsistent with the Bible.

"And Abraham was old, and well stricken in age; and the Lord had blessed Abraham in all things. And Abraham said unto his eldest servant of his house, that ruled over all that he had. Put I pray thee, thy hand under my thigh: And I will make thee swear by the Lord, the God of Heaven and the God of the earth, that thou shall not take a wife unto my son of the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell." Genesis 24: 1-4

"Then Laban and Bethuel answered and said, The thing proceedeth from the Lord: we cannot speak unto thee bad or good. Behold Rebekah is before thee, take her and go, and let her be thy master's son's wife as the Lord hath spoken.” Genesis 24: 50-51.

"And they called Rebekah and said unto her, wilt thou go with this man? And she said, I will go. Genesis 24: 58.”

I am reminded of a story I heard from one Preacher from India about how his elder brother married a girl he had never met. The wedding was already fixed and the invitation letters sent before they saw themselves for the first time. Today that wedding has lasted more than three decades.

Let me start by debunking some popular myths about finding a life partner.

1. Courtship is indispensable to marriage:- 

Courtship is generally referred to as the period of getting to know one another and trying to determine if the two of you are compatible. The problem with this idea is that first of all it is un-scriptural. There is nowhere in the Bible that talks about courtship. The nearest idea to this is the case of Mary who the Bible says was espoused to Joseph. The word espoused connotes a bethrotal or an engagement if you like, a union that has been virtually concluded. This is so because Joseph, on learning of what had transpired, tried to "put her away" privately. In fact espousal among the Hebrews was a legal part of the marriage and could not be broken except by divorce.

The idea of courtship is modern and an attempt to fuse worldly culture with Biblical principles. From the above passage, Isaac never went through courtship in marrying Rebekah, yet the Bible records that as soon as he married her he was comforted. Genesis 24:67.

When Jacob met Rachel he knew he had found a wife, so he served Laban for seven years for Rachel. (Genesis 29:18). It was not a situation of “let us see if this will work out”, it was for real.

When a man makes up his mind to marry, what he needs is the leading of God. If God leads you to a woman of his choice you need not worry!

To be continued! Be blessed!

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7 TESTS OF OF LOVE

“For God commended his love towards us in that while we were yet sinners Jesus died for the ungodly”

1.   Is your love for your spouse based on feelings?   Yes    No

2.     Is your love for your spouse based on romance? Yes    No

3.     Does your spouse need to deserve your love for it to continue? Yes    No

4      Is your love for your spouse based on sex or physical intimacy? Yes    No

5      Is your love for your spouse based on the pleasure he or she gives you? Yes    No

6      If your spouse stops loving you today, will you also stop loving him or her? Yes    No

7       In one word describe what comes into your mind when you think of your spouse!

    Based on the six questions, for every yes score 10 and for every no score 5. If your total score is more than 30, then it is very likely that your relationship is based on infatuation and not true love. Any relationship based  on infatuation will encounter many hiccups.

The purpose of this test is primarily to show us where we stand in the scale of assessing if what we have for our spouse is true love from God’s perspective. The good news is that no matter what you score or where you stand you can change and begin to genuinely love your spouse because true love is a function of the will.

God chose to love us in spite of the fact that we do not deserve his love nor have we done anything to earn it. In fact we are totally unqualified to be loved by the omnipotent God. The second truth is that this love of God is both irreversible and unending. 

In the Bible whenever Israel did what was displeasing to God He dealt with them but His love never for one day abated. It is interesting to me that whenever God used another nation to chastise his people, He always ended up judging that nation.

True love is by choice; it is a commitment and it is continuous! Anything outside this cannot be true love; it could be infatuation, lust or romance but not true love.

If couples decide to base their love on the word of God and follow the principles set therein, their love for each other will never dissipate and breaking up will be completely non-existent.

Be blessed.

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MARRIAGE IS BY FAITH

I have always wondered if there is any thing like a perfect marriage. Why is it that people who once professed love for each other and could not do without each other even for a second suddenly turn enemies and can no longer stand each other?

Have you ever thought that you married the wrong person after some unpleasant experience. If you have never thought so, I can confess that I have thought that way in the past. In fact my wife once regretted that she married me in the heat of a serious quarrel. However in spite of all we have gone through and will go through, we have decided to stick with each other for better for worse.

It is not just because God has blessed us with 5 children that we love so much and that becomes as it is for many people the reason why they endure their marriage but what has kept us going is the fact that we realize that marriage is an act of FAITH.

It takes faith to commit your entire life to a "stranger", someone you just met who is capable of pretending and hiding his or her true character. It takes faith to decide to share your private life with someone from a totally different background or environment, not knowing what exactly is in stock for you in the future. It takes faith to endure the character flaws of the other person believing that as you grow old together there will a blending of ideas and a positive change. In many instances these changes never happen and at the end regret and bitterness begins to set in.

In spite of all of these, faith enables you to look beyond your spouse and see the potentials in him or her and what he or she is capable of becoming with the help of God. Faith enables you to look at God as omnipotent enough to turn your marriage around.

The Bible says we walk by faith not by sight, therefore if marriage is an act of faith them we ought not to be moved by what we see in the physical but by what God has said about you.

Faith it is that has made me stick to my wife and I have begun to see the transformation in her. I am sure she has a similar testimony to give concerning me.

You marriage shall be blessed. Trust God!

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HANDLING CONFLICTS IN THE HOME

 

"Can Two work together except they are in agreement?" Amos 3:3.

Without doubt there will always be conflicts in the home. There are fundamental issues that potentially can cause conflicts and they include but are not limited to money issue, in-laws, children, sex, career issues, dishonesty and mistrust among many other issues. It is not the presence of issues that matter but the way issues are handled whenever they arise.

The key to handling conflict in the home is agreement. This has been well covered in the book "4 Things Intending Couples Must Agree On Before Marriage" by Dr. James Iruobe. In this book the author noted that if only couples could seat down and talk and agree upon certain things that will guide their marriage even before the start the marital journey then conflicts would be reduced to the barest minimum.

It is important to note that even when you have been married a long time except you agree on important issues you stand the risk of quarreling all the time. Therefore couples must learn the act of conflict resolution. In my own home our children have heard us argue many times but my wife and I always find a way to reconcile and forge ahead.

To reduce conflict agree before hand that you will always seat down and talk about your differences. Agree that no third party will be involved in settling your matters as much as possible. Agree that in-laws will not be involved and that you will not report your spouse to your parents. If any third party is to be involved in settling any disputes let it be only when the two of you have tried unsuccessfully to resolve the issue and then you may involve your Pastor or a marriage counselor. Always try not to involve family members who are likely to take sides one way or the other.

Another important thing to note is that it does not pay to sweep issues under the carpet. let your spouse know just how you feel about issues. Many times people who refuse to confront issues when they happens bottle up so much animosity that when they eventually explode, the damage is usually irreparable.

Remember, if you always try to be right and stick to your position even when you are convinced that you are correct, the health and longevity of your marriage depends on your ability to shift grounds and concede victory to the other party. After if your wife wins a argument over you, it is still your victory.

Be blessed.

DIALOGUE IS KEY

Yesterday I have lunch with a wonderful couple I shall leave unnamed and our conversations centered around better communication between couples.

As we discussed and shared ideas it dawned on me that conflicts also arise not only as a result of things said but also as a result of thing not said. Our body language, facial expression and posture can convey a powerful message that even words may be unable to pass across.

 When we fail to discuss issues and sweep them under the carpet, what will invariably manifest is that our body language begin to speak louder than our words. what we fail to vocalize is substituted by our actions are interpreted to convey even with the best of intentions.

The best way out of conflicts in the home is to talk. We as men should be grateful that women have the natural disposition to talk therefore the problem seems to fall upon the shoulder of the men to allow dialogue to be a regular feature of the home.

When we talk to each other, our objective should be to clarify our position on things and not to win a verbal battle. When we allow emotions to take the place or reason and persuasion we actually worsen the situation.
The spouse that feels verbally defeated will shy away from engaging the other in further discussions because he or she wants to avoid further emotional damage and therefore issues are bottled up.

The couple I had lunch with told me they discuss anything and everything. They even talk about the temptations they face with the opposite sex, so that they are able to find strength and support in each other.

This is what marriage should be!

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WINNING THE ARGUMENT

Greetings friends. I once again apologize for another hiatus this time because of certain engagements that took my out of the office. However, I trust that your home has been experiencing the blessing and peace of God.

The topic today is inspired by a marriage talk that took place when we had our couples dinner anchored by the men's fellowship of Elshaddai Covenant Church, 7, Social Club Road, Abule Egba, Lagos. In his address to us Dr. Tunji Bamgbose of the Baptist Church, Festac, Lagos made me realize that one of thee greatest obstacle to building a strong home is the problem of the right kind of communication.

While there are many definitions of communication, but the one I choose to stick with is "saying the right word at the right time". The Bible says "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger" Proverbs 15:1.

Many times what causes trouble is not so much the issues on ground but how the issues are communicated or tackled by what we say, do or refrain from doing.

There is no home or relationship where there will not be arguments or misunderstanding but what strengthens relationships is the ability to resolve conflicts and misunderstanding in a mature and godly manner.

When you have an argument what is your goal? Do you want to win the argument at all cost because you feel that losing the argument will diminish your ego or status?

Winning an argument may give you what appears to be a temporal victory but ultimately you may have lost the battle of winning a friend or spouse.

Your objective should not be to win an argument but to present your strong reasons. If your spouse chooses not to accept your views or position, you have lost nothing because if you are right ultimately time will vindicate you.

Like I learned at that seminar, politeness is a sign of maturity. Winning an argument over your spouse is a lose -lose situation.

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HANDLING DIFFICULT PEOPLE

Last time we outlined some things to consider when dealing with difficult people and one of the things that I am sure stands out is the fact that we need to empathize with them.

Difficult people are difficult mostly because they have had to deal with difficult situations in their past. A girl who has suffered rape or sexual abuse as a young girl is likely going to have difficulties trusting any man in life. A boy who has suffered verbal and physical abuse in the early stages of his growing up is likely going to turn out an aggressive person because of the need for self preservation.

Person who are froward (the typical I know it all kind of person) may just be concealing a huge dose of inferiority complex. In fact I remember a Pastor friend who "knows" everyone that is important! Before you mention someone's name he will tell you the person's history and how he came to meet that person. However, it became clear that he was just trying to hide his ignorance and fears by trying to be seen as someone important.

The person who displays a negative attitude towards everything (the pessimist) may just be hiding behind a mask of fear. The fear of failure makes many people dread to try and so they look for impossibilities to justify their actions (or is it inaction). They are the ones who will always tell you how it cannot be done. I have a friend of mine who used to be a confidant but I have since stopped asking for his advice because he will always tell me how my plans may never work. 

The domineering person may just be someone who is trying to live out his or her frustration by being a victim of being dominated either by his or her parents or be someone who had authority over him or her. In their subconscious they develop a domineering attitude towards other. They are forever sending others on errands or asking people to do what they should do for themselves.

The bottom line is to help the person see that they have a problem is a gentle and subtle way. This is because no matter how you wish to run away from such persons you cannot totally avoid them. They are at the airport, markets, schools, banks, bus, taxis or along the walkway.

Handling difficult people is a skill that you and I must curtail because difficult people are people in the first place and we need them.

More next time!

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DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE

In handling this matter tact and understanding are two key ingredients that will ensure that you succeed in creating an atmosphere where you end up winning the other person over. A man of God once said it is better to lose a battle but win the war than the other way around. In other words went we deal with those we term difficult people our motives and goals are very important in the way things eventually turn out.

The first thing to consider is that very difficult person is a human being! That is to say, they deserve whatever every other human being deserves. Remember, the golden principle which says "Do unto others what you want other to do unto you". (Matthew 7:12)

The second thing to consider is that every difficult person is carrying a baggage of issues from their past. No man was born difficult but our experiences most times forge the way we behave. if this understanding is there what we need do is to empathize with them.

The third consideration is to ensure that another person behavior does not change who you are. A Pastor friend of mine once said you can respond to anything rather than react. If you always react to the way people treat then you are susceptible to manipulations. I once had this experience where my subordinates in the office always connived to work me up and I will burst out in anger. They will always have a laugh that they had succeeded to tune me into annoyance. They were having a field day until one of them confessed and then I knew that I had to change the way I respond to issue. Today they have left me alone because I no longer react to such ploys.

Having said that what do we do:-
1. Take time to study the personality of the person.
2. Find out as much as possible about the past and background of the person. You may just discover that you are not the issue but the person's inability to deal with past hurts and failures.
3. Try as much not to respond immediately. Allow some time to lapse so you can think through. This is not an easy thing to do but with practice you will master the act of slow response to insults and abuse.
4. Seek an audience with the person when things have simmered down. Ask him or her out for a cup of coffee or a drink and try and "break into" the person. There is no person who does not value and appreciate genuine love and care. This may be what they have been waiting for. When you are with them allow them to talk because you are looking for clues to crack their wall of defense.

More next time!

God bless you.

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DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE

Last time I tried to enumerate the characteristics of difficult people but I must admit that such generalizations in itself is not exclusive because there may be difficult person who may not overtly display any of these traits but are difficult nonetheless.

If someone is very quiet and withdrawn such a person may be difficult to get along with if the spouse is a boisterous and outgoing person.

Another consideration to take notice of is that what makes a person appear to be difficult in one situation may completely change if the situation or circumstance the person finds himself changes. Take a situation where the man is completely broke, out of job and is faced with a huge debt to settle. Such a person may become cranky and uptight but when his financial dilemma has been dealt with the person may revert to that loving spouse he used to be.

Therefore the first step in dealing with difficult people is to understand

1. Their temperament
2. What challenges they may be facing
3. What approach will best resolve any impasse between them.

We shall examine the steps to take next time.

God bless you.

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HANDLING DIFFICULT PEOPLE

Last time I tried to explain that difficult people are persons who carry as it were a lot of emotional baggages. I do not for one moment believe there is anyone born with the tendency to be rude and uncouth. We are mostly products of our backgrounds and environment as far as our attitudes and behaviors are concerned.

So who is a difficult person? This is a subject that is sometimes difficult to agree on totally as what may be termed difficult in one situation may appear quite normal in another situation but basically there are some traits that are generally associated with difficult people.

1. A difficult person is STUBBORN - Stubbornness is the tendency to have one's way all the time. If one carries such a tendency into marriage, then one is clearly looking for trouble because in marriage compromise is a key ingredient to success.

2. A difficult person is DOMINEERING -this is the tendency to be bossy. To cajole others to do your bidding. Being domineering may not necessarily manifest as being aggressive because you can dominate your spouse without being aggressive. For example a wife who uses sex to dominate her husband may do so in a subtle way.

3. A difficult person is UNFORGIVING - this is the tendency to always bring the other's fault to fore whenever you have an argument. If you keep recycling the others faults and weak points then you have not really forgiven.

4. A difficult person is VENGEFUL - this is the tendency to always repay people for what they have done to you. The principle of an eye for an eye! I used to have a boss who will never take sorry from anyone, he must pay back or else he says he cannot sleep. Now such a disposition can only be taken by someone who can never do wrong. We all need to be forgiven at one time or the other so we need to extend mercy to all who deserve our mercy and to those who do not deserve our mercy.

5. A difficult person is INCORRIGIBLE - the tendency to make repeated mistakes in spite of corrections. It is okay to make a mistake but we are all expected to learn from our mistakes. Therefore when we make the same mistake over and over again, then it is either we have not learned our lessons or we are plainly stupid.

More next time!

God bless you.

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HANDLING A DIFFICULT PARTNER

First of all I must apologize for another French leave which I had to take to be able to participate fully in our just concluded Easter Leadership Conference, a yearly retreat that brings all our leaders and other delegates from across the globe to Lagos for 4 days of teachings and worship alongside various workshops that leaves you more equipped to face the remaining year. I will like you to be my guest when next we meet at Easter.

Having said that, today's topic came to my mind as a result of a lecture I delivered in an Engineering Services company recently. Because I had to do a bit of research the topic really broadened my scope and made me realize that this is one problem that many face whether in the work place or at home.

Let me lay some foundations here before we delve into what ever I have to say.

The first thing I want to point out here at least in the marriage setting is that every relationship starts out with a lot of courtesy and kind words. Hardly will you stick to someone who is uncouth and rude to you. In fact as soon as the person begins to show signs of being difficult, you are likely going to call it quits. What I am trying to point out is that a difficult person may appear to be gentle and pleasant at the onset because he or she will want to put their best foot forward.

Secondly, being difficult is usually a consequence of background and upbringing. A child who grows up in a house where abuse and unkind words are the norm may very likely imbibe such behavior because he or she sees it as normal.

Thirdly, being a difficult person may arise out of a sudden traumatic experience which the person is unable to cope with psychologically and as a defense mechanism takes the posture of a aggressor.

Fourthly, the difficult person may be demon possesses. As much as you may want to dismiss this possibility, there is compelling evidence to show that many of people are influenced by powers beyond their control. There are many who cannot explain why they behave the way they do and I can only attribute such behavior to demonic manipulations.

It is pertinent to note that difficult people are human beings who are grappling with issues and unless we understand where they are coming from we will always react to them in a way that will always aggravate the situation.

If you spouse is difficult there is hope.

More next time

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PLANNING FOR YOUR HOLIDAY

"And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made." Genesis 2:2

One of the problems of working class people especially for those of us in Africa is that we never plan for vacations. The idea of going on leave is somewhat alien to us but the truth is that we all need to take a break from work and relax.

The Bible shows us clearly that even God had to take a break from work and rested. It is not just ending the day's work and going to a place of relaxation but separating oneself from the environment of work to unwind. 

In planning for a vacation, there is the need for you to choose a place where you will be completely immune from doing any form of serious work. Many times, when we are within the vicinity of our work place, there is the temptation for us to be called upon to handle one thing or the other but when we are far away, then we are just unavailable.

The truth of the matter is that I have come to discover that there is nobody that is indispensable. If you are not there the work will still go on anyway and it makes good sense to ensure that you are not the only one that can do your job in your organization.

Now lets address the issue of planning for your vacation. The first thing to do is to plan a family vacation. The idea is not just to unwind but to give your family a treat and help greater bonding in the family. 

Therefore when planning for a holiday it will be necessary to plan around the children's holiday. Secondly, it is necessary to start saving for the trip. Usually you start saving for next year's trip this year. If you are blessed and have the funds it is even more economical to book your flights on line well in advance to take advantage of the discounts that comes with early booking.

Finally it is also important to note that there are periods when flight tickets are cheaper and you can always go on line to find out what rates will be favorable to you.

Finally it is not compulsory to leave your country entirely for a holiday although I strongly recommend it for obvious reasons. You can choose to spend your holiday in some holiday resort within your country but ensure it is as far away from your work place as possible.

Be blessed.

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PLAN YOUR CHILDREN'S EDUCATION

"Children are a heritage from the Lord..." Psalms 127 1(a)

I suspect that I have harped upon this topic in the past but I believe reiterating it will underscore its importance.

Planning for your kid's education is something that no serious parent should leave to chance because your future is in your children. What you invest in your children is an investment that may last for posterity.

There are some question that you need to answer to help you tackle this assignment.

1. What kind of education do I require for my children?  This is pertinent because it is possible to allow your children go to either a public or private school. In the case of private schools, which kind of private school will become important to answer.

2. What amount am I willing to invest on a monthly basis on my children's education? You need to look at your income to determine what is sustainable or else you find that children are made to lose valuable time when kept at home because of the inability of the parent to afford their school fees. This after a while may begin to affect the child psychologically.

3. Where do I want my children to go to school? The environment and society plays a key role in shaping the mentality and behavior of our children. Having attended a Catholic School myself where discipline was the watch word, there are just somethings I cannot bring myself to do no matter the allurement. If I may throw some advise to parents who intend to send their children abroad, please take cognizance of the risk of societal influence on your kids when taking such a decision.

4.  Will I be able to effectively monitor and supervise my child's education if he or she attends a particular school? The child's education cannot be left completely in the hands of third parties. After all it is your investment that is at stake.

Now these questions might seem immaterial on the face of it but when you take a critical look at it, you will agree with me that planning for your child's education should be strategic and deliberate. In as much as you do not want to impose your will on the type of career your child will pursue, I strongly believe it is the responsibility of the parent to give the child the ability to compete favorably with his peers.

It take careful and deliberate planning to do this!

More next time.

God bless you.

Special Invite:
Do you live in Nigeria and Lagos in particular, then this is to specially invite you to our
Annual Easter Leadership Conference holding from the 24th to 27th March, 2016.
Venue is Elshsddai Covenant Church, & Social Club Road, Abule-Egba.
Guest Speaker: Pastor Randy DeMain; Host: Dr James & Temitayo James

Registration: Adult (N500.00) ; Teens: N200.00. Pastors/Ministers: N1,500.00

For: Enquiries call +234 834858428; +234 8179510581.

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PLAN FOR A HEALTHY LIFE STYLE

Hi Friends! I want to start this by apologizing for going on another hiatus so soon. I must confess that 2016 is starting for me as a challenging year and right now there are so many issues on my mind that make creative thinking a burden.

The good news is that we begun a series on planning for the year and we have dealt with the issues of  planning for your spiritual life and your finances. Next I will like to share some thoughts on planning for your health.

The Bible says in 3 John 2, "I wish above all things that you prosper and be in health, as your soul prospers". Without any controversy, God expect us to be healthy. Notice that the scripture places the responsibility of staying healthy on our shoulders not God's. It is our responsibility to do all that is within our means to live healthy lives. I find a parallel to this principle in 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 and repeatedly implied in 2 Corinthians 5:10 that we will be liable for what happens to our body. I do not know if this makes a profound effect on you as it did me to know that God will judge me amongst other things by what I did with my body.

I many of the letters of Paul to the existing churches in his days, he wrote profusely on the body. In fact he outlined one cardinal difference between Christianity and other religions and that is the fact that in Christianity we will inherit resurrected bodies. Other religions talk about the soul and give no prominence whatsoever to the body but in Christianity Paul seemed to emphasize the place of our body in our eternal destiny.

Sorry for the theological digression and back to what is on our plate just now - Living a healthy life. May I state once again that this is a non negotiable requirement for proper Christian living. Where do we begin from? Let talk about what we eat.

You will agree with me that you are a product of what you have been eating over the years. In fact the doctors will tell you that certain diseases are associated with our diet. Obesity that is being over weight is a function of how much calories you ingest per day.

Have you ever wondered why God in the laws of Moses was so concerned about what his people ingested that he prohibited many things from being eaten. Let us take Pork for example, I am told that it takes approximately 4 hours before a meal of Pork digests. Imagine. So apart from any religious considerations is it not clear from this scientific fact that pork is not desirable if you want to stay healthy?

More on this next time!

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