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Monday 25 May 2015

TYPES OF MARRIAGE 6 - TROUBLED MARRIAGE



This kind of marriage is one that is laden with problems right from day one.

I know a woman who married a Bank Manager only for the man to lose his job under some extraneous circumstances 3 months after their wedding. For 9 years the man tried to get another job to no avail and their home became a war zone of some sort.

In this type of marriage, financial problems, lack of children, stagnation and other challenges of life are allowed by the couple to rob them of their peace and tranquility. Instead of seeking solution to their problems together they begin to trade blames and pass the bulk. They allow their problems to escalate and become too big for them to handle.

If only many couples will understand that their problems sometimes is not so much as what they failed to do or what they have done as it is the enemy fighting their marriage. The devil will try to ensure that you do not experience any peace in your home because he does not want God's will for you and your spouse to come to pass.

When you marriage is froth with troubles one after the other what God expects you to do is to take the matter up in prayers. I like what one of my friends used to tell me! He would say that whenever he is facing a challenge he "petitions" heaven. That is the way to resolve ALL issues whether small or big, mundane or stubborn.

Remember the bible says that whatever you are going through is not peculiar to you and that God will not allow the temptation that will kill you to come to you. 

 I want to share this that I picked recently from the internet:
"Sometimes we are allowed into troubled waters not to drown us but to cleanse us" 

God loves you too much to make you a victim of your enemies. He loves you too much to make you a prey to the antics of the devil.

Take every problem to the LORD in prayers!

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Wednesday 20 May 2015

TYPES OF MARRIAGE 5 - BROKEN MARRIAGE

"How can two walk together except they agree" Amos 3:3

There is the story of a couple who live together in the same house but that is just about all the intimacy they have. They sleep in separate rooms, cook separate meals and go their separate ways. In the eyes of the world they are married but in essence their marriage has broken down. The woman confessed that she had not experienced intimacy with her husband for the past 2 years.

Now what led to this situation?

There are several factors that may have contributed to this undesirable situation but one thing is sure the was total breakdown in their communication. They no longer were able to talk about their issues and "disagree to agree".

In many of such instances it starts with a little crack in the wall of their relationship and if the crack is not attended to the crack begins to deepen and finally becomes a chasm that cannot be bridged. Many couple believe that time heals ever wound but that statement does not apply in all instances.

What you sweep under the carpet will grow up to become a hydra headed monster that will threaten your home.

It is God's desire that couples talk about every issue and resolve them amicable. You spouse should be able to know how you feel about each and everything that affect both of you. Honesty and openness should be the watch word for every relationship to thrive.

"And the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed." Genesis 2:25

The word translated naked here connotes the concept of being open, approachable, vulnerable one to another. It suggest that man should not be ashamed to confide his deepest and most secret heart desires to his wife and vice versa.

When this is not in place, you find that they slowly without being conscious of it begin to drift apart. The man begins to find that he confides more in colleagues in the office and friends and the wife begins to confide more in family and neighbours.

The solution is to deal with the barrier to effective communication. You need to realize that unless you can find grounds of mutual agreement with your spouse that marriage may never be what God has ordained it to be.

Let every crack be mended and every broken door be replaced!

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Friday 15 May 2015

TYPES OF MARRIAGE 4 - SHALLOW MARRIAGE

"Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing (vain) but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised." Proverbs 31:30

 This kind of marriage is not based on the solid foundation of love but on such mundane things like beauty, money, connection, social status and sexual pleasures. The foundation of such a marriage is very temporal because if there is a little hitch it is enough to bring it down.

I have often heard people talk about being compatible with someone but such compatibility is based on  physical attributes. Compatibility being anchored on the things we like, our preferences in terms of music, sports and hobbies but the truth is that such a foundation is likened by Jesus to someone who builds his house upon the sand. (Matthew 7:26-27)

It is a fact of life that people change over time. Habits dissipates and new habits are formed as a result of several factors so to based your marriage on things that are subject to change can only be termed folly. If you married a very beautiful woman because of her beauty - to show off to your peers that you have a "Miss World" for your wife, but unfortunately she is involved in a motor accident and her faced is defaced beyond recognition, what do you do?

I know a lady who married a man when the man was very rich and a globe trotter as it were. She was attracted to him purely because of his money. Years later, the man's money is gone and he is now a dependent man, so she is tied to poverty. She chose the wrong parameter to determine who to marry and now she is living a life of regret. Conversely, there is the story of another lady who desired to marry a successful man but after counseling with her pastor decided to settle for a young man who at that time had nothing. Today the young man is a multi-millionaire and she is ever grateful she listened to her pastor. What the pastor saw in the young man was not beauty or wealth but the strength of character and the fear of God.


If your marriage is based on pleasure, pleasure is fleeting and does not last. After a while, you get tired of doing the same thing over and over again and with time you start looking for newer avenues for pleasure.

What should form the foundation of marriage should be things that are enduring; your faith, character, care and respect for human dignity.

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Wednesday 13 May 2015

TYPES OF MARRIAGE 3

"Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled; but whoremongers and the adulterers God will judge." Hebrews 13:4"

So far we have looked at Neglected and Pseudo marriages and today we shall be examining what I call INTRUDERS MARRIAGE.

In this type of marriage, it is third party opinions and suggestions that rule the marriage. It is the advice of family members and friends that dictate what goes on in the home.

The major draw back of this type of marriage is that the couple keep using other people's parameters to assess their own marriage. They compare their marriage that of their friends and want to be like the "Jones".

This usually comes as a result of wanting to be accepted by the third party and so their opinions are what they couple adhere to. The refuse to understand that every marriage is unique and the challenges one marriage faces may be exactly the same the other is facing. It is also a problematic type of marriage because the temperaments of the couple may be quite different from the temperament of those who are giving advice and so instead of things getting better they end up worse.Marriage is a union of TWO and not three or more people. Two is company and three is a crowd the popular saying goes!

In Africa we often say that marriage is a union between two families but must as this is true to an extent, the idea is that the two families involved have become relatives but the fact that their children are married and it has nothing to do with controlling the home of the married couple.

Much as good advice helps to clarify issues in the home, the ultimate responsibility for taking decision should be the couples.

Imagine a situation where a couple has five girls and the mother of the man is pressuring them to give her a grandson because the man happens to be the only son of his mother. Very soon the woman will give birth to ten girls if care is not taken. Such a marriage is under the control of the mother of the man.

I remember in my growing days I have a friend who advised me to break free from the aprons of my mother because I am an only son. At that time there was nothing that happened to me without my mother. In fact my life revolved around her because I loved her so much. It was the friend that made me understand that if I was not careful, my mother would decide for me who to marry and control my life. I had to make my mother understand that though I loved her dearly I had my own life to live.

Every couple especially the man must draw a line in his home beyond which no third party is allowed to exceed if his marriage must work. To report your husband or wife to friends and family members is the most dangerous thing to do because they are likely to advise you wrongly or at refrain from telling the truth because they do not want to hurt you or lose your friendship.

Remember, marriage is for two. Keep all third parties at bay! Resolve all issues between you and your partner and with God on your side, you marriage will succeed in Jesus name.


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Thursday 7 May 2015

TYPES OF MARRIAGE 2 - PSEUDO MARRIAGE

"Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled; but whoremongers and the adulterers God will judge." Hebrews 13:4"
 
Last time we saw what is meant by neglected marriage and today we shall be looking at what I term PSEUDO marriage.

This is the kind of marriage that seem to be prevalent amongst the rich and successful. It is actually what some call co-habitation where the couple just put up a show to give the impression to the public that they are happily married.

In this kind of marriage, the couple do not display any kind of affection in private but in public they hold hands and may even kiss to create an atmosphere of cordiality whereas they are strange bed fellows and forever apart. In some cases they maintain separate bedrooms, separate cars, separate everything and the only thing they have in common is that they share the same address.

This kind of marriage thrives on the need to please the public, look good in the eyes of people without dealing with fundamental issue bothering on their marriage. Their bodies may be together but their hearts are miles apart.

How do you recognize this kind of union? One of the commonest ways is when the couple begin to keep secrets from each other. When they stop sharing vital information with each other. Another clear sign is when they begin to be irritated with each other company. This is especially so when the woman begin to deny the man his legitimate demands for sex and closeness or vice- versa.

I have heard stories of a man and wife who lived under the same roof for 12 months without sleeping together. It was not long before the marriage hit the rocks.

There are many people who have found themselves in Pseudo marriages because of family pressures, greed or pure error of judgment but whatever the case may be the good news is that there is a cure for every troubled marriage.

Jesus can fix that troubled marriage and turn your Pseudo marriage into a Proper marriage. I strongly believe that there is no such thing as a wrong marriage. What we have are right people applying the wrong solutions.

God bless you.

For counseling please call +44 02034880583, +234 808 092 9292.

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Monday 4 May 2015

TYPES OF MARRIAGES 1

"Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled; but whoremongers and the adulterers God will judge." Hebrews 13:4

The problem of the definition of marriage has taken center stage in our global discuss and is responsible for what seems to drive the agitation for equality and human rights. We are no longer concerned about equality of races and sexes but the freedom to pursue our sexual proclivities.

However, the truth remains that the way God ordained marriage has become so perverted that it is difficult to find what one may term a good marriage. Statistics show that the daily rate of divorce in Britain for example is more than 47% while in Sweden the rate is higher than 54%. In sub -Sahara Africa where there are no statistics the rate may not be too far behind.

In this series I want to examine the different types of marriages that I have come to identify and to address the weaknesses and strengths if any in each of them with the hope that you will be able to relate with one or more of these types and take the necessary steps to make yours work.

Type No. 1 - NEGLECTED MARRIAGE:

In this type of marriage both parties have no time to nurture and maintain the marriage. The couple spend more time relating to third parties or outsiders than relate with each other. This immediately brings to fore the fact that every marriage needs nurturing and maintenance.

When a marriage is at its early stage you find that both partners spend a lot of time together and the level of communications is at its highest but as time goes on they begin, due to pressures of life and other commitments, to spend less and less time together.

It takes spending quality time together and talking about issues to nurture and maintain a marriage. When I was courting my wife, I discovered that she did not particularly like football while I was passionate about football and will always go to the stadium to watch a football match on Saturdays. There was a particular international match that was staged in our local stadium and I was able to convince my wife to go with me. We had so much fun that day that her perception of the game of football changed. Unfortunately over the years I have not been able to re-enact that outing or something similar to it.

The point here is that unless couples find ways of spending quality time together, that is doing what the two of you enjoy together, your marriage is likely to become a neglected one.

I know some homes where the TV decoder is tuned in such a way that the man watches the program he likes while the woman and many times the children in collaboration with their mother watch a different program concurrently sometimes in different rooms.

I counsel that couples should learn to watch TV together. You can agree on a particular program and make a "ceremony" out of it. Imagine watching an interesting soap-opera together with ice cream and pop corn and other "chew-ables" provided. These are the things that leave an indelible memory in the minds of couples and their children.

More next time.

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