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Thursday 30 July 2015

MARRYING THE PERSON YOU LOVE 2

Last time I tried to establish the fact that it is not mandatory to marry the person you love for you to have a successful marriage but that it was absolutely compulsory to love the one you married.

Let me try to sustain this discuss a little further by referring to some statistics. It has been shown by various statistics that India has the lowest rate of divorce in the world put about 1.1 % as compared to that of the US put at about 4.5%. Unfortunately, for Nigeria we do not have any reliable statistics.

While some of the statistics may be debatable, it is without doubt that for must underdeveloped country marriage seemed to be more stable - does this  suggest that poverty is a factor in marital stability? We will look at this later.

I heard Dr. Ravi Zacharias born in India, tell the story of his elder brother who was a Christian Computer Scientist, living in Canada who married a girl he never met until the day of the engagement. When he was ready to marry, he told his parents his requirements and they looked for the girl for him back home in India. He relied on the wisdom of his parents to look for the right girl for him. When he was asked why he was taking such a risk, he made a profound statement to his brother saying "love is a matter of the will than it is of emotions". When Dr. Ravi was sharing this testimony they had been married for  more than13 years.

Such a story might sound incredible in our present age because we have been led to believe that love is all about having "butterflies in your stomach" and that falling in love with someone makes the person Mr or Mrs Right. In the Indian culture, marriages where contracted by the parents for their children and the statistics tell the whole story.

My father in the Lord, Dr. James Iruobe once said that his attitude to marrying someone you love is that conviction must come before love. That is to say, as a believer in Christ, the first step is to be convicted that the person is the one God has ordained for you and therefore you begin to love her.

The folly of marrying someone just because you love the person has its pitfall in the fact that love is based on feelings and emotions. We know that our feelings change and our emotions are subject to control by our circumstances and experiences. There are times in my own marriage that I have felt like I was in the wrong relationship (after having a quarrel with my wife) but I have been kept going because I am convinced that she is God's choice for me.

If my wife and I relied only on our feelings and emotions we would not have been able to survive the 25 years we have been together. I have made up my mind that in spite of everything that I will love my wife because that is God commandment whether I feel like it or not. I am not at liberty to pick and choice which of God's commandment I want to obey and especially as it concerns marriage, when I realize that I am "stuck" with my wife for life, I had better do myself a world of good to begin to love her the way Christ loved the church.

Finally, I have seen that when people marry their friends, especially people they grew up with, without the over bearing "cloud nine" feeling, such marriage stay strong. They stick together because they are friends and not primarily for any exotic feelings.

This is in no way an attempt to diminish the place of emotions or feelings but an attempt to put things in perspective. Without doubt, I am married to the most beautiful girl in the world and up till now I find my wife very attractive but the point is that all her physical endowments has not stopped us from having issues. In fact if you ask my wife, she will tell you that I am the must difficult person in the world to live with but in spite of all my faults she has made up her mind to stick with me.

This is the crust of the matter.

May the Lord bless you marriage and prosper you and your spouse. May his grace take you above the challenges of live and give you his peace which passes understanding in Jesus name, Amen.

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Monday 27 July 2015

MARRYING THE PERSON YOU LOVE




From time, we have through the indoctrination of television and romantic novels, been told that to marry the person you love is the guarantee for the “happily ever after”.

How deceitful this has become over time. The rate and spate of divorces and separation show that when love dissipates, the union disintegrates and the marriage crumbles.

It was a man of God who said we have been told a lie that you have to marry the one you love for your marriage to work. However, the gospel truth is that you have to love the one you marry. I want you to notice the sequence; love comes after the choice not the other way round. The second reason why believing that love is the answer to all marital problems is a lie, is because it is not just possible to marry everyone you love. I loved my mother but could not marry her. I love my two sisters but cannot marry them. So it is possible to love someone you cannot marry.

This idea is revolutionary and unless we understand the core meaning we assume that one is saying that love is not an important factor in choosing the one you wish to spend the rest of your natural life with.
I take my reference from the Bible in Genesis 24, which is the story of how Abraham, the father of Isaac got him a wife. 

And Abraham was old and well stricken in age: and the LORD had blessed Abraham in all things. And Abraham said unto his eldest servant of his house, that ruled over all that he had. Put, I pray thee, thy hand under my thigh. And I will make thee swear by the Lord, the God of heaven, and the God of the earth, that thou shalt not take a wife unto my son of the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell. But thou shalt go unto my country and to my kindred, and take a wife unto my son Isaac.” Genesis 24: 1-4.
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife, and he LOVED her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.” Genesis 24:67

There are some things we can learn from this account. It is interesting that Isaac did not meet his wife Rebekah until the day she was brought to him, yet the Bible says he was comforted by her. Why? Because he followed the Bible’s principles on marriage and I will like to outline them one after the other in the next few blogs.

The first principle is that marriage is an act of faith. This is a profound truth without which many have suffered shipwreck. It takes faith to make your marriage succeed. The first thing to consider in marriage is whether you are ready to take this step of faith. This is not a blind leap of faith but one that is founded upon you absolutely trusting in God.

Faith in the case of Isaac was to completely trust his father Abraham to make the right choice for him. I find this amazing because this completely negates our modern style of finding the right partner. Isaac was not looking at the physical attributes of the woman or whether she could cook and take care of the home, things that you and I look out for but his first concern was to entrust his search to his father.

As a parallel we as Christian are called to completely trust God to make the choice for us. There are many who say that God no longer makes choices for us as concerning who to marry because Adam blamed God for giving him Eve but they failed to realize that Adam was only passing the bulk and in any case the marriage did not break in spite of what happened. Some even quote Proverbs 18:22 “Whoso findeth a wife, findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the LORD" to justify this position.

Unfortunately, we often misquote the Bible and fail to realize the salient message the word of God conveys. We must realize that Proverbs does not say whosoever finds a wife BY HIMSELF but just whosoever finds a wife. Also the same proverbs ends with God showing us that finding a wife without the active participation of God ends up in disfavor.

It is not love that should be the first consideration but faith.

More next time.

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Tuesday 21 July 2015

THE DANGER OF NAGGING


"With such nagging she prodded him day after day until he was tired to death. So he told her everything. "No razor has ever been used on my head," he said, "because I have been a Nazirite set apart to God since birth. If my head were shaved, my strength would leave me, and I would become as weak as any other man." Judges 16:16-17 (NIV)

There was the story of a man who was always early to work and the last to leave the office and was to be considered for special recognition by the authorities until someone decided to probe further to find out why the man was in the habit of arriving the office sometimes one hour before resumption. It was discovered that the man had a problem with his wife and "runs" away from home as early as he can and comes home late to avoid the trouble of his wife.

I have to come to identify one great hindrance to building a lasting relationship between the husband and wife. It is the assumption amongst women that nagging your husband will yield the desired results. While the man in the short run might yield to the pressure you mount on him in order for peace to reign, on the long run most men are tired out by the constant nagging of the woman.

I acknowledge the fact that many women inadvertently rely on the power of the tongue to confront their spouses but the result of nagging brings only temporal relief (if getting your way can be considered a relief) and often leads to irreversible harm to the relationship.

A classic example is taken from the life of Samson, one of the heroes of the Bible. With all the anointing that he possessed, he was  by the constant nagging of women. First it was his first wife who through nagging got the answer to the puzzle and told Samson's enemies (Judges 14:15-17).

"On the fourth day, they said to Samson's wife, "Coax your husband into explaining the riddle for us, or we will burn you and your father's household to death. Did you invite us here to rob us?" Then Samson's wife threw herself on him, sobbing, "You hate me! You don't really love me. You've given my people a riddle, but you haven't told me the answer." "I haven't even explained it to my father or mother," he replied, "so why should I explain it to you?" She cried the whole seven days of the feast. So on the seventh day he finally told her, because she continued to press him. She in turn explained the riddle to her people." Judges 14: 15-17(NIV)

Secondly, Delilah also use the weapon of nagging to get the secret of Samson's strength and betrayed him to his enemies. While you may say that the fault was primarily Samson's for marrying a Philistine (a daughter of the enemy) one must not loss sight of the fact that the methods employed by the two women who betrayed him are still the same methods employed by many women today.

Wives hear me clearly, no man likes to be nagged and as the Bible says it is better to live on the rooftop than to leave in the same house with a nagging wife.

Without doubt every woman has power over her husband. All you need to know is that you can influence your husband by knowing his soft spot. You do not have to nag him to make him do what you want. On the contrary, a little pampering will achieve more for you that nagging.

When a man is nagged, you are actually saying that he has failed in his responsibility. Another opinion is that the man is slack in the discharge of his duties and these are things that many men do not like to be told by their wives.

I may be called a failure by the society but to be called a failure by my wife is the ultimate bitter pill.

More next time. God bless you

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Thursday 16 July 2015

NATURE AND NUTURE

The inspiration for this piece came from the most unlikely quarters. I heard a "preaching" from another religious leader and it got me thinking.

Our nature is how we were born. The traits we inherited and the gifts and talents we are naturally endowed with. There are some things we just find ourselves able to do effortlessly while other may have to exert enormous effort to do what we do without sweat.

On the other hand our character is build over time and nurtured by our experiences and the challenges we have had to face and overcome over time.

There are many people I know who have this opinion that they must die the way they were born this is sticking to their nature. They glory in the fact that they are stubborn, unforgiven, vengeful or easily provoked. I used to have a boss who say he can never sleep until he revenges and takes his pound of flesh back on someone who offends him. He never accepts sorry and must retaliate when wronged. Such a view is not only immature but myopic.

Now concerning building lasting relationships, you may enter a relationship especially a marriage with your nature intact but over time you are expected to be nurtured into maturity. Whatever you face in the course of your marital life is God's instructors to nurture you and mold your character.

You can never claim to be patient until you are confronted with a situation that stretches your patience to the limit and your spouse can do just that. You can not claim to be forgiven until your are hurt so deep and betrayed so blatantly by the one you trust.

Our nature helps us to find our place and niche but for us to move forward we must be willing to allow circumstances and situations of life shape us and nurture us into that which God has ordained for us.
Hebrews 5: 8 says "Though he were a son, yet learned he obedience by the things which he suffered." Jesus was the son of God, yet he had to be nurtured by the circumstances of life that confronted him throughout his earthly life.

To be fixated in your ways and natural disposition especially if they are not too good is to be tied to the aprons of nature and deny yourself the valuable lessons that life offers all of us to become what God had ordained for us.

Joseph in Genesis 37 was born a privileged and pampered child who was given to bride and flippancy. But at age 30 when he became Prime Minister of Egypt, he had gone through the school of hard knocks and have given up his natural disposition.

To succeed in marriage we must need to shift from what we are natural tendencies are to what becomes expedient for your marriage to work. I have heard some women complain that when their husbands marriage them he knew what they were like but the truth is that every husband marries his wife hoping she will change her bad habits and vice versa.

Be blessed.

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Friday 10 July 2015

BECOMING FRIENDS WITH YOUR SPOUSE 2

Last time we looked at how to become friends with your spouse and particularly at what women require from the men in forging a lasting friendly relationship.

Without trying to sound like a broken record, it is pertinent to emphasize that becoming friends is a key ingredient in making your relationship with your spouse last. This is essentially what God meant when he said "and the two shall be one".

There are some basic things I can immediately identify as requirement for making the woman blend with her husband especially if they are two people from different backgrounds and cultures. I will try to list them not necessarily in any particular order.

1. Everyman wants his wife to respect him - this is key because a man's ego is the greatest possession he has, not money or fame. Therefore any wife that is able to manage her husband's ego will have little problems.

"And Abigail came to Nabal; and, behold, he held a feast in his house, like the feast of a king; and Nabal's heart [was] merry within him, for he [was] very drunken: wherefore she told him nothing, less or more, until the morning light." 1 Samuel 25:36(KJV) (emphasis mine)

Nabal (whose name meant "Fool") have behaved like his name and incurred the wrath of David who was riding to deal with him with his armed men, but Abigail, the beautiful and wise wife of Nabal did the needful and averted an unnecessary shedding of blood. She saved her husband and her marriage even in the face of her husband's foolish behavior. The interesting thing I want you to note is that after doing this great feat, she choose an auspicious time to talk with her husband. What a woman.

She did not rub it into the face of her husband as some woman are wont to do by saying things like "It serves you right" or "Did I not tell you". These are two statements no man want to hear even when he is wrong or has done something very stupid. Once a man is "stripped" of his ego he is virtually stripped of his manhood and the consequences can be disastrous.

2. The second thing is that everyman needs the advice of his wife but such advice must be timely. There is always a right time to offer advice and a wise woman will always choose the right time and place to offer advice. The bedroom at night when you are alone and you have put your husband in a good mood is such a time. To attempt to "force" your idea on the man will only be rebuffed even if it is a smart idea because it is all about his ego. As a wife try never to talk down to your husband especially in public or before the children.

3. The Third thing is that every man wants his wife to be submissive - The man want to be seen to be in "control" and in the driver's seat. It is must like a pilot and co-pilot on a plane! The co-pilot is allowed to take the control of the aircraft by it is the pilot that is in charge. Many times the passengers do not know exactly who piloted the plane as long as it arrives and lands safely.

Every wise woman knows that behind the scenes she can hold all the aces but allows the man to take the center stage. For example my wife has influenced my decisions more than I have been able to influence hers over the years. This is the truth.

4. The average man want his appetite satisfied when he wants it and not necessarily at the convenience of his wife. Whereas the woman wants to do things at her convenience especially against the background of her hectic day. This has led to many arguments especially in the bedroom when the man want sex. My counsel is that the wife will do well when the man knows that she is bending backwards to please him. Of course this is not to endorse a situation when the man is been unreasonable. Such a wife will have a strong hold on him.

What make good friendship is that both parties are always willing to do things to please the other. Good friends will bend over backwards to do things for their friends and protect them and this is exactly what God intends for all couples.

Make it your goal to become a friend of your spouse - this is an assignment that may take many years but once you achieve this goal it will be happy ending ever after.

God bless you.

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Monday 6 July 2015

BECOMING FRIENDS WITH YOUR SPOUSE.

I strongly believe that one of the reasons God instituted marriage was for the man and the woman to become friends. That to me is what the Bible means by "two becoming one".

However, the challenge is that of two people from different backgrounds and cultures coming together to forge a common outlook on family and life. The process of building the right bridge of friendship is what I want to consider in this write up.

The first thing to note is that once you marry you must make it one of your goals to befriend your spouse. If you are lucky to marry someone who has been a friend for a long time especially a former classmate of someone you grew up with in the same neighborhood, then you are favored to have crossed the first hurdle. So the starting point is DESIRE. Growing up there have been friends that I had to make special effort to keep their friendship and many times still failed because while I was willing to invest in the friendship they were not so keen.

The second important variable to consider is that becoming friends takes time. It is a process that requires time and energy (resources). You cannot say someone you just met is your friend because what appears at first sight may be completely misleading. That is why I have repented from the school of thought that says you can fall in love at first sight. What happens at first sight is "Attraction". There are things you notice about the other person that draws you towards the person but if you are not careful you may be attracted to a "lie" or "make believe". Remember that this process may take an entire lifetime so you must be willing to invest what is needed.

The third things to note in building friendship with your spouse is the principle of give and take. Selfishness and being overbearing are such poisons against any friendship. If you are someone who always like to have his or her way, you will not make a good friend to anyone even your spouse. from my own little experience, I have discovered that friends always have a way of influencing each other to do what they ordinarily would not do. Even when you do not feel like going somewhere you friend can make you go.

Fourthly, friendship involves honesty and being frank with each other. If you have a friend who is secretive and dishonest, very soon such a friendship will break down irrevocably.

 I have often asked myself what is required from me to make my spouse a friend and I have discovered the following over time:-
(1) My wife expects me to be there for her ALWAYS
(2) My wife expects me to LISTEN to her
(3) My wife expects me to be CARING - show concern for her feelings
(4) My wife expects me to SHARE my free moments with her and the family
(5) My wife expects me to take responsibility for certain things - BE THE MAN

 My list may not apply automatically to you but if you carefully analyze the situation, you will discover that basically all women want these things in common.

Will deal with what men want next write up

Be blessed.

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