UNDERSTANDING THE MARRIAGE COVENANT – PATIENCE AND TOLERANCE 3

Last time we started to look at the factors that work against unity in the home and we looked at the issue of insisting on one’s rights all the time.

Today, we will take this discussion forward by looking at the issue of criticisms. It was someone who said that criticism is good if constructive but constructive criticism must also be timely to be effective.It is a known fact that nobody likes to be criticized. To criticize someone is to assume an air of superiority and tends to portray the other person as either a failure or a weakling two positions that most people do not want to accept. It is only a matured person that will take criticism in good faith.

A very common mistake many women make is to act as a “monitor” or “policeman” over their husbands. There is no man who does not have an ego issue and the man’s ego is the most prized feature of a man’s existence. When a man’s ego is often punctured by snide remarks or careless statements, very soon the man begins to react and in no distant time there is animosity which may end up in violent behavior.

Since in many cases the woman is the “critique” and the fact that most women talk as they “think” unlike most men who talk as they “reason”, it is important to strike a delicate balance. The difference between “thinking” and “reasoning” lies in the fact that while thoughts bombard our minds at a very fast rate reasoning is the process of subjecting these thoughts to some form of analysis.

Now let us examine this concept of timely advice from the scripture.

 Then Abigail made haste, and took two hundred loaves, and two bottles of wine, and five sheep ready dressed, and five measures of parched corn, and an hundred clusters of raisins, and two hundred cakes of figs, and laid them on asses. ¹⁹ And she said unto her servants, Go on before me; behold, I come after you. But she told not her husband Nabal. ²⁰ And it was so, as she rode on the ass, that she came down by the covert of the hill, and, behold, David and his men came down against her; and she met them. ²¹ Now David had said, Surely in vain have I kept all that this fellow hath in the wilderness, so that nothing was missed of all that pertained unto him: and he hath requited me evil for good. ²² So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall. ²³ And when Abigail saw David, she hasted, and lighted off the ass, and fell before David on her face, and bowed herself to the ground, ²⁴ And fell at his feet, and said, Upon me, my lord, upon me let this iniquity be: and let thine handmaid, I pray thee, speak in thine audience, and hear the words of thine handmaid. ²⁵ Let not my lord, I pray thee, regard this man of Belial, even Nabal: for as his name is, so is he; Nabal is his name, and folly is with him: but I thine handmaid saw not the young men of my lord, whom thou didst send. ²⁶ Now therefore, my lord, as the LORD liveth, and as thy soul liveth, seeing the LORD hath withholden thee from coming to shed blood, and from avenging thyself with thine own hand, now let thine enemies, and they that seek evil to my lord, be as Nabal. ²⁷ And now this blessing which thine handmaid hath brought unto my lord, let it even be given unto the young men that follow my lord. ²⁸ I pray thee, forgive the trespass of thine handmaid: for the LORD will certainly make my lord a sure house; because my lord fighteth the battles of the LORD, and evil hath not been found in thee all thy days. ²⁹ Yet a man is risen to pursue thee, and to seek thy soul: but the soul of my lord shall be bound in the bundle of life with the LORD thy God; and the souls of thine enemies, them shall he sling out, as out of the middle of a sling. ³⁰ And it shall come to pass, when the LORD shall have done to my lord according to all the good that he hath spoken concerning thee, and shall have appointed thee ruler over Israel; ³¹ That this shall be no grief unto thee, nor offence of heart unto my lord, either that thou hast shed blood causeless, or that my lord hath avenged himself: but when the LORD shall have dealt well with my lord, then remember thine handmaid.

     ³² And David said to Abigail, Blessed be the LORD God of Israel, which sent thee this day to meet me: ³³ And blessed be thy advice, and blessed be thou, which hast kept me this day from coming to shed blood, and from avenging myself with mine own hand. ³⁴ For in very deed, as the LORD God of Israel liveth, which hath kept me back from hurting thee, except thou hadst hasted and come to meet me, surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall. ³⁵ So David received of her hand that which she had brought him, and said unto her, Go up in peace to thine house; see, I have hearkened to thy voice, and have accepted thy person.

     ³⁶ And Abigail came to Nabal; and, behold, he held a feast in his house, like the feast of a king; and Nabal's heart was merry within him, for he was very drunken: wherefore she told him nothing, less or more, until the morning light. 1 Sam 25:18-36 (KJV)

The wisdom of Abigail is a lesson for all women to learn from. Here was a beautiful and godly woman married to a rich man who name was Nabal meaning fool. Nabal had been enjoying the protection of David and his men but refused to reciprocate this gesture but giving them a love offering. He also had been rude to the messengers sent by David to request what was commonly agreed and so he was marked out for death. in spite of his foolishness, the way and manner Abigail handled the matter is instructive.

First she knew her husband was wrong but that was not the time to be trading blames. She knew she had to take action first to save her home and later can begin to blame the man. She also ensured that she filled in the gap for the husband and did what he ought to have done. She did not say “serves him right” and left matters to degenerate. Thirdly, when she returned from pacifying David, she met the husband drunk and knew that was not the time to begin to reason with him.

Many women cannot bear to wait for the appropriate time to give advice to their husbands and end up compounding issues by their impatience. When a man is not in his “correct senses” that is not the time to begin to talk to him or to criticize him. 

Always try and look for that auspicious moment when you can talk some sense to him. Not every time is right for advice no matter how wise or brilliant. 

The same lesson goes for the man.

Femi Imevbore
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click here to watch this life transforming message on Jacob and Rachel by Dr. James Iruobe


UPCOMING EVENT
 
Our Annual Easter Leadership Conference 2nd to 5th April, 2015
Venue: Elshaddai Covenant Church
            7, Social Club Road, Off Charity Road, Abule Egba, Lagos, Nigeria
Time: 8:30am morning session; 5pm evening session.